Episode 11 - What God Was Doing While Nothing Seemed to Be Happening

---

Download Episode X Reflection Guide

Show Notes:

Summary

In this heartfelt first guest conversation, Stephanie sits down with her husband, Marty, to talk about grief, widowhood, faith, and learning to live again after loss.

Marty shares what life felt like after losing his first wife, how grief showed up in quiet and unexpected ways, and how God continued to support him through people, service, community, and time. This conversation is honest, tender, and full of quiet wisdom for anyone walking through grief, loss, or a season where it feels like nothing is changing.

Key Topics

• Grief and loss after losing a spouse

• What widowhood can feel like day-to-day

• When life feels like nothing is changing

• Faith in quiet, heavy seasons

• Emotional waves and unexpected triggers

• The importance of community and support

• Learning to set boundaries after loss

• Taking time before making major decisions

• Rebuilding identity and moving forward

• Trusting that God is still working behind the scenes

Takeaways

• Grief often comes in waves.

• God can be near even when life feels quiet or heavy.

• Healing may look like learning to carry grief, not rushing past it.

• Community matters more than we realize.

• Boundaries can become part of healing.

• Sometimes God is working long before we can recognize it.

---

Transcript:

Stephanie (00:02) Hi friend, welcome back to Glory and Grid, where faith meets real life. If this is your first time joining us today, let me suggest that you go back and listen to the first few episodes where we talk about the heart behind Glory and Grid. And if you are coming back after our 10th episode, episode 11, thank you so much for joining us today.

I'm your host, Stephanie, and I'm really glad you're here today. Are you ready? Okay, let's get started. Deep breath.

Today's episode is for the person who has looked at a season of their life and thought, hmm, I don't see any movement. I don't see any change. I don't know what God is doing here.

Because some seasons aren't loud, they're quiet, they're slow, they're heavy in ways that are hard to explain. And sometimes those are the very seasons that God is doing deep work beneath the surface. And oftentimes we don't understand until much later what that work is.

Today, we're gonna talk about that through a real conversation rooted in one of those kinds of seasons. I'm really grateful to have my husband Marty here with me today as we're gonna talk about a season in his life that carried this kind of quiet weight.

There he is. welcome to the show, Marty. And so for people who are hearing your story for the first time, can you give us just a little context for the seasons that we'll be discussing today?

Marty Ladner (01:51)Thank you. I went to college at 17. I was married at 19. By 23, I had two children. We adopted a third at 35.

When I was about 53, my wife took ill and her health continued to go downhill. And by 57, I was a woodworker.

I was no longer connected to somebody, was just by myself that way.

Stephanie (02:40)Hmm. please tell us what felt heaviest when you went about your day-to-day life after those first few months of your, Marie's death.

Marty Ladner (02:57) Even though I was no longer working 12-hour days in order to take time in the middle of the day to care for her, my life was still overwhelmed in a number of ways.

I was alright when I didn't trip over reminders of her. And when I saw something that reminded me strongly of her, then it would wash over me all over again.

Stephanie (03:26) What would wash over you? did that feel like? For someone who's looking to understand widowerhood and what that experience is for maybe someone in their own family or experiences, how would you be able to give them an idea of what that felt like?

Marty Ladner (03:26) Love it. Maybe I can do it by analogy. When my mother died, my father kept a stuffed animal in the seat of the vehicle where my mother would have ridden. That's kind of the way I was. I had boxes piled on that side of the bed. And I slept on the other side of the bed.

Stephanie (04:01) Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Marty Ladner (04:10) was connected, but I wasn't connected.

Stephanie (04:14)So you had some loneliness there for a while.

What does that, what did, were there other ways that that loneliness came forth in your life? Like you have the boxes on her side of the bed. Were there other things in that loneliness phase that kind of hit you?

Marty Ladner (04:19) I did. people who knew me. that I was well depressing looking. Looked like I was depressed somewhat. They could perceive my mood better than I could.

I had a wide range of acquaintances through Toastmasters at church.

But as far as my own feelings, I had an outlet and that outlet was in sending weekly emails to family. I would write down what I was feeling or try to. Much of that was just here's what I did, here's what I did. But you could see what was going on in my life as a result of those emails.

Stephanie (05:26) Mm-hmm. Did you start doing those emails before or during that time phase? Those family emails.

Marty Ladner (05:42) I started them before that time frame. One of the reasons I think would be that my wife couldn't communicate verbally for about five years. So if you hear me talking to myself, it's because I'm used to doing it.

Stephanie (05:44) Mm, okay. Hahaha

Marty Ladner (05:59) That's so much now, you get the idea.

Stephanie (06:01) Right, right. Do you think there's anything that people?

didn't really see about what you were carrying.

Marty Ladner (06:14) We often say, know how you feel.

God knows how you feel, but other people have a tough time with it. I have a tough time knowing how people feel. And I'm sure they have the same problem with me. They can see it in outward ways, such as whether I look tired, I wouldn't be expected to be tired or depressed or whatever.

Stephanie (06:18) Mm-hmm.

Marty Ladner (06:43) I find it hard to get in touch with my feelings.

Stephanie (06:44) So during the...

Marty Ladner (06:48) find it hard to get in touch with my feelings. I still do.

Stephanie (06:57) A lot of people, yeah, have that same issue. during that time, did you feel like God was still close to you or that he was quiet or hard to understand what was happening?

Marty Ladner (07:17) I talked to him a lot in the car. That was a place where no one else was listening. And I had the time to do that.

And I knew he heard. He's always supported me. He supported me in ways that are hard to describe sometimes, but he's always cushioned the blows in my life. And he was always there. No question. No question.

but I was just half a person.

Stephanie (07:52) So at the time, what did faith look like to you? Was your faith still strong? Did you have some nights when it was kind of shaky or?

Marty Ladner (08:06) I don't have to say that was strong. I was blessed to have activities that connected me to church, connected me to people that I met through church. I was the employment specialist. And so I was actively trying to help people obtain employment. Sometimes I carried that a little too far. I also had the opportunity.

to assist someone whom I had assisted starting years before when, asked for money to do a test. I gave her that money and it turned out that yes, she did indeed have cancer. And I would be there occasionally during the chemo sessions.

She had difficulty finding a place to live with her relatives where they make life really difficult for her. And so I would help her in those moods. Drop off food, even. Travel to another state. Bring her to another state so she can visit her brother.

So yes, I tend to go all out and then some.

Stephanie (09:31) And he still does, people. But it's one of your great ⁓ characteristics about you is that you care about everybody and you're willing to help everybody.

Marty Ladner (09:46) Good.

Stephanie (09:49) Looking back now, what do you think God was doing in that season, even when you couldn't see it?

Marty Ladner (10:01) I think that he was helping me take charge of my life, little by little. And all this on the stream because I did everything for, especially toward the end, my wife, but I was still focused on her, not on what I might want to do. And when she first died, I still had others in the family I needed to...

Eventually I decided it took months, but I space for myself.

And so I think he accomplished that. He allowed me to make some mistakes that provided more insight into my handling of money, more insight into my interactions with family and so forth.

Stephanie (10:49) Mm-hmm.

Okay. Were there things that shaped you before you had words to describe them?

Marty Ladner (11:08) 'm not sure that I perceived them even then, but in thinking about the question you asked for this podcast, I look back at a year plus worth of emails trying to see by what I had written what I felt and what I was doing. And one of the things that came out of it was the ability to.

insist on a little bit of time for myself.

Stephanie (11:44) Did that season prepare you in a way that you didn't understand until later? Like did it, did all the things that happened during that time prepare you in some way for something that happened later that you were able to look back and go, ⁓ now I know why that and that happened because it prepared me for this.

Marty Ladner (12:11) Some of the activities that took place to prepare me, one of them was that I was set apart as a technology specialist. And so I traveled around various units of the church, helping them get their computers set up where they could do things online for membership and so forth. And because of that,

I was eventually the only man in room full of women who were.

having a function that I could assist with. And I teach someone she teased back and I'm married to her now.

Stephanie (13:03) Let's see.

Marty Ladner (13:04) more about the family situation in my home because that's where a lot of the stress came from. I talked about me during that time without talking about

Stephanie (13:10) Go ahead.

Marty Ladner (13:17) The other thing.

Stephanie (13:17) I just

Marty Ladner (13:18) In order for my wife to be in the house the last few months, when she wasn't capable of getting out of the house by herself if there was a fire or something, I allowed one of our daughters to live with us. And when my wife died, she was still there. And her children were still there. And eventually her boyfriend.

was still there.

And because of that, when I wasn't working, often I was the default babysitter. I mean, grandparents can relate to this, but they may not be working full time as I was while doing that. So I would read scriptures with them. I would make sure that they got fed. We went places together. We traveled long distances together at times. And.

Because of that, I wasn't really alone that way. I didn't have the time to just unwind and be apart from them. I was a toastmaster. I would find myself sometimes bringing them to meetings because I didn't have any alternatives. I couldn't drop them off with anyone. It became quite a relief toward the end of that period where my daughter,

felt like she was ready to move out. At that point, that's when I saw change, a possibility of change in my life. From the time that my wife died until that point, it felt like nothing was ever going to change. I was going to be stuck in this box where I am.

Stephanie (15:01) Mm-hmm.

Marty Ladner (15:10) providing so much to others that I've had nothing for myself. That sounds selfish. don't like that, even saying that. But I guess I wanted that. And as soon as she started to make moves in that direction, I changed the locks. I put an electric lock on one door and threw away the keys for the others.

Stephanie (15:14) Hmm.

move to move out and get her own place, and that is when you're saying that that's when you started to feel like, me time, ⁓ I needed that. Is that when you start to realize that you really did need that?

Marty Ladner (15:36) to tomorrow.

It was when I actually got to think it might happen. I'm sure I needed it beforehand. There's a picture of me somewhere with a sleep mask on my forehead while I'm watching a grandson jump up and down on a trampoline in my backyard because I'm alternating between work and sleep and children, work and sleep and children. And suddenly it didn't have to be that way.

Stephanie (16:01) Mm-hmm.

Marty Ladner (16:29) It was shortly after I saw light at the end of the tunnel that a friend said, Marty, I think you're stable enough to date again. Again, I remember dating the first time.

Stephanie (16:40) And tell us why you don't remember dating the first time.

Marty Ladner (16:48) Well, I just kind of fell in to being married.

It's not weird, but you're going to get a back story.

Stephanie (16:59) Is you don't remember dating the first time.

Marty Ladner (17:02) I was walking with someone, carrying her tray, pulling out her chair because that's what mother taught me to do. was a helpful person. And then once Anne-Marie realized, no, I wasn't dating this person, she went all out. She put on a green dress with a choker with an A sitting right there. And

Marty Ladner (17:27) asked Brennan to set up a chair next to her when we went to eat.

No, they said it right across from me and I just sat there jaw dropped staring at her.

Marty Ladner (17:42) But before that we talked, she was trying to get the person she thought was dating me. So she would say, I'd like to go camping, to hear the things I enjoy, and so forth. So was having a conversation with her while she didn't feel like she was having to make it serious because after all, was supposedly dating someone else. So when it unfolded that no, I wasn't, suddenly we were able to talk to each other more directly.

Stephanie (18:12) That was in high school, right?

Marty Ladner (18:13) Kind of like...

No, no, no, this is college. And an example of this is when I proposed. Because we were walking, we've been talking about those important questions before we actually asked each other. When you get married, how many children are you going to have? Who's going to manage the money, things like that.

Stephanie (18:18) College, okay.

Marty Ladner (18:40) It was misunderstood. Here I am crossing the street. It's raining lightly. We're carrying painting queen costumes because this is approaching Halloween. Carrying a guitar. We're headed to a church service and I'm playing the guitar at church. And I asked her, can I ask you question? Yes. Will you marry me? Why? And the why wasn't, I was thinking.

Because we've been talking about this all this time and I'm thinking, no she's asking why here in the rain was a romantic circumstance.

Stephanie (19:14) In the rain! Not the most romantic proposal.

Marty Ladner (19:20) So it worked for us. She said, okay.

And so it was a life where we talked to each other, but we didn't talk to each other. At least not that.

And you said that you talked to yourself a lot and that the two of you talked.

when the first few weeks, did you find yourself talking, not just talking to yourself, but turning to talk to her?

Marty Ladner (20:01) You're talking about after she died, right? I was very careful not to do that. I had relied on her for so much in life that I was afraid I would ask her lots of questions and wait for feedback and so forth. So I would always say, God, father, let Anne Marie know I love her. That was pretty much the extent of it. Or if I want to say something, tell Anne Marie such and such. did not want to get in the habit of

Stephanie (20:04) Yes, yes.

Mm-hmm.

Marty Ladner (20:31)

thinking about her that closely. Really, you should not do that. She's busy after all. has stuff to do now she's dead.

Stephanie (20:33) Right, right.

Yes, ⁓ What would you say to a person who feels like nothing in their life is changing right now and that God isn't working in their life?

Marty Ladner (20:58) It's happening. You just don't see it. I didn't see it. I didn't see any hope for change. I continued to help others. I think I have a need to really help others deeply. I lost. I gave a lot of money to someone who eventually I realized, no, this is an unending

Stephanie (21:16) He does.

Marty Ladner (21:27) situation I had to stop doing that. Thinking well I'll prop him up and eventually he'll gain some traction and go off and have a job and life and it... no he had life but it wasn't that apparently so...

I needed to put some boundaries on my life. And that's something that I generally was not very good at doing because I want to help all of

Stephanie (21:57) wish that someone had said to you when you were in that season of widowerhood? Which is, if it's not a word, I just made it a word.

Marty Ladner (22:09) Well, I'd like to start by saying something that someone did say to me.

And the six-year-old granddaughter has gotten up there and has talked about how much she loves her grandmother and so forth and how nice she was. And we get to a hymn. I'm sitting there, and you know that I sing. I really sing. And my mother-in-law said, sing, Martin. She would want you to. I wasn't sure whether I should sing again. And she said, sing. So I did.

Stephanie (22:33) Very beautifully.

Marty Ladner (22:49) and I continued to sing. And music has been one of my outlets always, well, since junior high school probably. No, before that, way before that.

Stephanie (22:55) Mm-hmm.

Marty Ladner (23:02) with the guitar. ⁓

Stephanie (23:05) and you were saying that the granddaughter said something to you?

Marty Ladner (23:10) The granddaughter got up during the funeral service, walked to the lectern, and told an audience of people, most of whom she didn't know, how much she loved her grandmother and how nice she was. This is the same daughter who drew a picture of Anne-Marie in the casket with Anne-Marie smiling with the word happy written across her. She knew now that Anne-Marie was happy, was free of all the...

physical limitation you could have for many years.

Stephanie (23:43) Mm-hmm.

Marty Ladner (23:46) Maybe I did something. I started to say something and I realized, no, I can't take credit for that. She was just sweet.

Stephanie (23:46) Wow. Maybe what?

Before we wrap this up, is there a favorite scripture or a verse that feels fitting for this conversation or that you used a lot during your widowerhood that you'd like to share with us?

Marty Ladner (24:18) I'm not sure that I could point to one that relates to that, but I can point to one where James says, he who lacks wisdom, let it ask of God. He gives to all men liberally. He'll give it to you, then he won't call you a jerk, he won't upraise you. Well, I asked for a lot of help, and I received a lot of help during that time.

and continuous employment during that time, which is unusual if you consider that I was a government contractor.

I was supported in many ways. and it was a real blessing. I had friends from Toastmasters supporting me. I had friends from church who wadded me up.

I wasn't alone.

And it's true that God speaks through other people. Some of those I have to go back to before Anne Rae died to explain. But basically, no, you're not alone. Look around you. There are people who love you. There are people who know about you, even if they don't know very much about you. There are acquaintances who wish you well. There are always people praying for you.

Stephanie (25:21) Hmm.

Marty Ladner (25:43 there are.

Stephanie (25:46) So God's always working for you. Well, not working for you, but working on your path.

Marty Ladner (25:49) Yes.

Stephanie (25:56) I like that, so I'm gonna let that be our scripture for this episode.

Is there anything else that you would like to share with listeners about getting through a season of their life like this or a tough season where they feel like God maybe isn't working for their good?

Marty Ladner (26:24)⁓ here I was poised to give some practical advice. Don't make big financial decisions right after this huge lie.

Stephanie (26:29) Hmm?

Well, give

your practical advice followed by your spiritual advice. How about that?

Marty Ladner (26:39) Okay.

Avoid making big financial decisions. Avoid making any big decisions right away. Give yourself time because you'll need that time.

Don't judge other people too harshly. Often they're doing the best they know how.

Bye.

Stephanie (27:06) Okay.

Marty Ladner (27:10) I'm blessed. I was blessed to have those years with her to say goodbye.

I was blessed afterward.

with the resources and the people who eventually helped me become someone.

Does someone else want to marry?

Well sounds weird, but you have to be the kind of person that you would want to marry. And I was still too dependent.

when I was ready to seize my life again.

That's when things started to turn around for me. It may take some time, but I'd already had five years to say goodbye. Now I need to say hello to my new self, whatever that would be.

Stephanie (28:08) Hmm.

Awesome. Thank you. Thank you for coming on and sharing your experience, your testimony. Thank you for being a great husband and a big supporter of the podcast.

So in closing, we're just going to say that grief isn't something that you rush through. It's something that you learn to carry one step at a time. In today's conversation, felt close to home. If you're walking through loss or a season, you would never have chosen. I want you to just hear this. God is not absent in your grief.

Even when it's quiet, even when it hurts, even when nothing makes sense, he is still there. He is still near. And somehow, in ways that we don't always see right away, he's still gently writing your story. and he's moving it forward, not backwards. And it's not standing still. Thank you for sitting in on this conversation with us today.

I'm your host Stephanie and I'm really glad you were able to join us for today's conversation. If you enjoyed the conversation.

Marty Ladner (29:44) Thanks

Stephanie (29:48) Please feel free to share the episode, the podcast itself, the reflection guides, with a friend who may be going through this season of widowerhood or grief of any kind or loss of any kind in hopes that it can help uplift their day. While you're sharing the episode, and their reflection guide, you could also share a prayer with them as well. Everyone needs prayer, it's always good. And remember, glory doesn't come without grit. See you next week.