Season 2 Episode 5 - When Faith and Grief Share the Same Heart
- Glory & Grit
- 4 days ago
- 38 min read
Show Notes:
Summary
Grief and faith are sometimes spoken about as though one must eventually replace the other - as though strong faith should make grief shorter, quieter, or easier to carry. But what happens when you trust God and your heart is still broken?
Rachelle Boyd-Huff had spent years helping families face death as a hospice nurse. Then her own father was diagnosed with stage-four pancreatic and liver cancer. Three weeks and one day later, he died.
Her professional experience helped her understand what was happening, advocate for her father, and honor his desire to die at home. But it could not protect the daughter in her from heartbreak. After the decisions were made and the caregiving ended, Rachelle had to face a different question: Who was she now that her daddy was no longer there?
In this honest conversation, Rachelle shares her father's final 'Happy birthday, Princess,' the prayer she prayed when she could no longer bear to watch him suffer, and the moment at his casket when the grief she had held back finally broke through. She also talks about therapy, medication, rest, and the unexpected people God used to support her.
Her story is not about defeating grief. It is about discovering that grief and faith can coexist - and that God is still carrying her.
Key Topic
Meeting the father who made Rachelle a daddy's girl
The collision between hospice knowledge and a daughter's heartbreak
Honoring her father's desire to die at home and advocating for his care
His final birthday message and her prayer for his suffering to end
The casket moment when the grief she held back finally surfaced
Rebuilding identity after caregiving
Therapy, medication, rest, and an unexpected support tribe
What faith looks like when grief remains unfinished
Takeaways
Faith can remain real even when grief remains painful and unfinished.
Your heartbreak is not proof that God has left you.
Receiving therapy, medication, rest, or community support does not cancel spiritual trust.
Sometimes faith looks like getting out of bed and taking one honest step.
God may send support through people you did not expect.
ABOUT RACHELLE BOYD-HUFF
Rachelle Boyd-Huff is a Wife, Mother, Grief Coach, Speaker, Author, Advocate, Life Insurance Agent and Hospice Nurse with a heart for helping families prepare before loss and find support after it. Drawing from more than two decades in nursing, including 16 years in hospice, along with her own journey through grief from losing her Dad Rachelle turned her pain into purpose. Through Huff Legacy Solutions and From The Eyes Of A Daddy’s Girl Podcast, she educates, encourages, and empowers others to protect what matters, navigate grief at their own pace, and preserve the legacy they want to leave behind.
Her mission is simple: Preparing Hearts Before Loss. Supporting Them After.
CONNECT WITH RACHELLE
My email is fromtheeyesofadaddysgirl@gmail.com
Phone number 346-418-8199
BOOKS
From The Eyes of A Daddy’s Girl
When Grief and Faith Collide
The Missing Piece
The Cargiver Journal
The Couple Journal
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
Visit the Companion Page for one question that makes room for grief and faith to exist honestly together, along with a Truth to Carry, Prayer Prompt, reflection questions, and one small grit practice.
Transcript:
Stephanie (00:01)
Grief and faith are sometimes spoken about as though one must eventually make room for the other, as though strong faith should make grief shorter, quieter, or even easier to carry. But what happens when you trust God and your heart is still broken? My guest today, Rachelle Huff, knew.
How to walk other families through death as a hospice nurse. But when her own father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died only three weeks and one day later, no amount of professional experience could protect the daddy's girl in her from the pain of losing him.
her knowledge helped her advocate for a father and honor his desire to die at home. But after the caregiving ended, Rachelle had to learn how to live as a daughter left behind and how to recognize herself beyond all the roles that she filled for everyone else.
Today we're talking about the final birthday message she still carries, the grief that didn't disappear when the funeral ended, and what she learned about trusting a faithful God while her heart was still healing.
This is when faith and grief share the same heart.
Stephanie (02:01)
Hi Rochelle. I want to welcome you to Glory and Grit. I've been very excited to finish our conversation, welcome to the podcast.
Rachelle BoydHuff (02:10)
Thank you, it's good
to be here.
Stephanie (02:11)
first all
before we get into the diagnosis and your last couple of weeks with your father, I wanna know who was your daddy. tell us the type of person he was and why you're such a daddy's girl.
Rachelle BoydHuff (02:26)
Well, my dad is let me not speak in he's not here now, so let me let me correct that. My dad was
Stephanie (02:35)
Okay.
Rachelle BoydHuff (02:36)
very much a godly father. He set the proper example when it came to who are you to go to when it comes down to having issues, having joys, whatever that looks like.
I could go to him and talk to him, but he's always gonna redirect me back to praying about it, talking to God about it, and what God's word would say. I
Stephanie (03:03)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (03:04)
can even think about as a little girl, my dad he's always coached basketball, football, baseball. He's mentored youth like all my life. And so I can think back when I was little.
He even took my playpen on the baseball diamond so he could have
me close to him. So
Stephanie (03:25)
So cute.
Rachelle BoydHuff (03:27)
and so he always had me with him. But my dad was really a person that I could go to and talk to about absolutely anything. he would pray with me. He would encourage me when I felt like I couldn't go any further, you know, or like I was failing or whatever.
He always gave me a positive word to let me know not only who I am, but whose I am. And I mean, he just was a support, the support system that I could go and just,
Stephanie (04:00)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (04:01)
you know, just whatever. His voice was common to me. He was like my piece in the storm. So no matter what, I knew I was gonna be okay because daddy was there. so.
Stephanie (04:10)
Right, right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (04:13)
And that's what really made me a daddy's girl, 'cause he just embraced me, loved me for who I was. He did he wasn't judgmental, so that's that was it. Mm-hmm.
Stephanie (04:22)
I love that. Every
girl, little girl deserves that.
Rachelle BoydHuff (04:28)
Yes, yes.
Stephanie (04:30)
All right, so Rachelle is a nurse first, and then you're a hospice nurse. And you're also a daughter.
Rachelle BoydHuff (04:39)
Mm-hmm.
Stephanie (04:40)
Take us back to when those two worlds came together or collided.
Rachelle BoydHuff (04:45)
Mm.
so February the thirteenth, my dad started acting really weird. I live in Houston, he lives in Indianapolis, but he had been here with us in Houston November, December, January, and he kept saying, I'm ready to go home. I'm ready to go home. And so he went home.
And so February 13th, he was just acting weird. I was watching him on his cameras. I had cameras in his house where I could see. And he was just doing all kinds of weird stuff. So and and he finally was like, I need to go to the hospital. So I called my god brother. I said, Hey, Pop, say he needs to go to the hospital. He's not feeling well. So he takes him to the hospital. They admit him on February 13th. So I flew home to Indiana February.
14 and so of 2024. So they ran all these different tests. They said he was having many strokes, had fluid on the brain, but they were like, normally what causes that is one of these forms of cancer. So they wanted to do a biopsy, which they did. they did the biopsy. So February sixteenth, they said, you have stage four pancreatic and liver cancer.
So, and there's nothing that where where it is, there's nothing we can do. chemo and radiation is not gonna give you any time. So the best thing for you, the doctor said if it was my parents, I would suggest that you go on palliative hospice and palliative care. so of course, for me, everything stopped at that moment because even though I know that
God can heal. I'm also that hospice background was like, I know what this means. I it my brain would not allow me to disconnect the daughter from the hospice experience, the hospice
Stephanie (06:51)
Hm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (06:52)
role. So I was knowing what was coming. And at the same time, my heart was saying, No, this can't be possible. No, no, no.
So I'm my natural instinct went into okay, I'm gonna get you this situated so I can get you back to Houston so you can be there with us. Because that was what was more comfortable, of course, because my husband and kids
Stephanie (07:16)
Right, right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (07:17)
were here. But in that period, while my mind was going there, I asked him, I said, What is it that you want? And he said, I just want to die at home. And I said, Okay.
And he said, I trust God no matter what that looks like. He's gonna heal me or he's
Stephanie (07:34)
Mm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (07:35)
gonna heal me. And so I was like, No, but for real, what do you feel? He said, No, I trust God no matter what that looks like. And so I'm sitting there saying, This is some mess. This is a mess. I was so irritated, I was so angry, I was
Stephanie (07:47)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (07:47)
just my my brain was going all over the place. But what
Stephanie (07:51)
That was the daughter part of you.
Rachelle BoydHuff (07:52)
that was the daughter part of me, not the clinical side, but because
Stephanie (07:55)
Yeah, yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (07:56)
I knew that that pancreatic cancer is one of the pain most painful.
so I was like, okay. In the process, I ended up catching RSV while I was there.
Stephanie (08:08)
Mm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (08:09)
Normally the process with that, I had RSV in the flu. Normally the process with that would be a a long extended period. But what I took it as was God wanted to give me that time to be able to process it so that way I wasn't able to push that on him.
And also to be able to realize that if I was going to be an advocate for my father, then advocating means that I'm going to do what's best for him, whether it's comfortable for me or not. And so I was sick for two days, which it should have been longer, but I I I realized as time went by what exactly what that was. I knew that was God. So
Stephanie (08:47)
Mm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (08:47)
when was able to go back to being with him, I was like, Daddy, you know, I'm going to give you what it is that you want. I don't want you to feel
pressured or obligated that you have to come back to Texas because you have your people are all here and I want you to be able to receive your flowers before you go. Like he used to always tell us, I'm give me my flowers while I'm still living. And so
Stephanie (09:10)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (09:14)
you know, so it it gave me a chance to regroup, but it also gave me a chance to put my big girl underclothes on, as they say.
Stephanie (09:24)
That's
Rachelle BoydHuff (09:24)
Because I knew
Stephanie (09:25)
one of my favorites.
Rachelle BoydHuff (09:26)
because I knew at that moment like if I would have shown him that I was fighting him, hang you know, he would have tried to hold on and he was in extreme pain. So I didn't want that. So it it it gave me the chance to really say, Hey, whatever that looks like for you, if you ready to let go, I'm okay. I'ma be fine. And so that's that was kind of how the daddy, the daughter and the hospice came together.
Stephanie (09:55)
And by the way, that's one of my favorite sayings, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. But
Rachelle BoydHuff (10:00)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
Stephanie (10:03)
your father wanted to be home. what did it take for you to do everything that was required to make that happen for him? And was it emotionally hard?
Rachelle BoydHuff (10:14)
It took a lot.
It it it it truly was because listening to him say he wanna go home and die, in my mind, I I never envisioned that. You know, I know people die every day. I do hospice. I you know, that was what I did was hospice. So I know people die every single day, but I never exper expected my daddy to die. It just didn't re and and and and I maybe I'm not saying it right. I knew it everybody's gonna die one day.
I expecting it
Stephanie (10:42)
right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (10:43)
to be that soon in his day right so
my emotions were really truly all over the place.
Stephanie (10:50)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (10:52)
but I had work my work cut out for me because his house was kind of all it it was in order for us to be able to bring him home, we had to restructure everything in his the downstairs for him to be able to come home.
And so I had to get all kind of key people. Hey, I need your help. I need your help. And so that pretty much is what what we had to do. You know, they came and helped me to get everything cleaned out that we needed to get cleaned out and thrown away. We got a hospital bed in there. we had to get him set up on hospice, everything. So it it it took a lot. It it really was taxing
on me.
Stephanie (11:33)
right. And I know from our previous conversations that there were times when, of course, the full time you're his daughter, but there were also times when you needed to be his advocate, and you spoke about that a few seconds ago. Tell us about the things that you had to do in order to help advocate for him throughout this process and in the facility that he was in.
Rachelle BoydHuff (11:59)
Okay,
we'll start at the facility because he was there before he came home. He was in the hospital first, and the hospital experience was perfect. But the initial idea was for him to go get rehab, because he had the mini strokes, so he wasn't walking. He couldn't walk
Stephanie (12:17)
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (12:18)
in. And so what happened initially
He was all for the walking, you know, trying to use the the to walk. But then it he it got to be too painful for him. And so the facility, of course, they're getting paid. So everything is about money. You gotta you in order for you to be here, you have to be doing therapy. Well, when he said, I don't want to do this anymore, it hurts, they were still trying to push him. So I had to go
Stephanie (12:50)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (12:50)
into a whole nother zone with the people.
because what you're not gonna do is play with my daddy. He said he don't want to do it. He's not, you know, if it's an issue, let's go ahead and get hospice set up so we don't have to play these games because what I'm not gonna do is play
Stephanie (13:04)
Right, right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (13:05)
about him. And so I had that experience there. Then I also had experience with the caregivers providing care. I
Came the early that next morning and it probably was about nine thirty. with the little bit of breakfast that he was eating, the few little bites
Stephanie (13:23)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (13:23)
he was eating at that point. He was eating that. And and I'm looking at his hair and I'm looking at his clothes and I'm looking at his bed. His bed is wet. His pajamas is wet. He still got pajamas on. His face is dirty.
You haven't brushed your teeth and change your clothes. He was like, No. and so I said, Well, hold on, let me go out here to get somebody. And so I walked out in the hallway. And the girl said, Well, he didn't ask to brush his teeth or to wash his face. And I said, I I had to catch myself because,
Stephanie (13:57)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (13:57)
you know, I didn't say cuss words in front of my daddy. So I'm
Stephanie (13:59)
Mm, great.
Rachelle BoydHuff (14:01)
trying to honor that even still. So
Stephanie (14:03)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (14:04)
I'm like,
Somebody has to ask you? I mean you wash your face and brush your teeth, right? So that should be a part of a routine. I said, but let's even go beyond that. I mean, why is he wet? And his bed is wet. And he's in wet. I mean, like, what it well he must have I said, no, that ain't no he must have just nothing because his whole bed has got is discolored. So you left him
And so we had wow yes,
Stephanie (14:32)
That's a tail t tail sign when the sheets are miscolored.
Rachelle BoydHuff (14:38)
and so I had to have multiple conversations with the administrator, because like I explained to her, you don't have an eight to five job, it doesn't work like that. When you have a 24 hour facility, your responsibility as an administrator is to be on all different shifts so your people know that they can't treat these people any kind of way.
And she was like, Well, you know, I s and and so as we were having a conversation, I said, I'm gonna help you out so that we don't have any misconceptions. I said, I guess you didn't know at first. I am a nurse and I've worked in roles like you have. So that way I said, You're not well, she's she wasn't a nurse, but sh she had a nurse. She was this administrator.
Stephanie (15:19)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (15:20)
But I said, So you don't make this half story before you don't tell me a story in my face and lie to me. I'm gonna make sure you understand I am a nurse.
And I've worked in these types of roles, so I know what the expectations are and I know, you know, so
Stephanie (15:35)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (15:35)
anyway, and then on my way to p the the last straw for me was I was coming to pick him up because he was actually we were getting ready. We had got the house together, everybody had come together and got his house ready. And the girl came and said, by the way, I had intended on calling you. He fell and hit his head. And I said, No.
He told me, sorry. He said, he he said, I I fell on the floor. And I said, You fell on the floor? Why? And he said, I asked to go to the bathroom and they didn't come, so I tried to use my walker. Well he wasn't he wasn't walking anymore. You know what I'm saying? He wasn't able to walk. So, but he in his mind he didn't want to wet himself, so he tried to get up using the walker and he fail.
He literally fell on the ground and hit himself. And so when I came when I when I I can remember vi just so vividly, he I said, Daddy, I'm here to get you. I told you I was coming. Everything is ready. He just laid his head on me. And I mean, just laid his head on me and just i it was like the most precious thing ever. And I said, I told you I was gonna get it done. He said, I knew you would. I knew you would.
And it was just like that was it was it was so man it was just heartbreaking. and then once we got him home, the hospice that I had set him up with, you know, they has yeah I I interviewed different hospices because
Stephanie (17:10)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (17:11)
I do hospice, I know what they what they can offer and what they not.
And so they s kind of sold me on something that they could do when really they couldn't do it. And so I ended up being the person that was having to medicate him around the clock, which is not I I wanted to be able to just be his daughter and not have to be his daughter and his nurse.
Stephanie (17:31)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (17:32)
The nursing part, yes, I I will assist and monitor, but I didn't want to be, I want to just be able to enjoy him as his daughter, you know, lay up on the side
Stephanie (17:42)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (17:43)
of him in the bed or whatever.
But I I didn't I didn't get to do that 'cause I had to make sure. Mm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Stephanie (17:48)
You wanted to love on him, not ner not medical nurse on him. Yeah.
and I think it's
Rachelle BoydHuff (17:56)
Okay.
Stephanie (17:56)
important that people understand too that when you have a loved one in those facilities, you should keep a very close eye on your loved one so that you know what's happening.
Rachelle BoydHuff (18:09)
Yes.
Stephanie (18:10)
I I remember doing
Granny dumping, but that's another story. But I just wanted people to be aware that, you know, you have to advocate for your family member when they're in s nursing facilities or skilled rehab facilities like that. So thank you for making sharing that experience.
Rachelle BoydHuff (18:25)
Yes, I to you welcome.
I always just tell people go all different shifts. Go in the morning, go in the night, go in the middle of the night, because as long as they know that they have family members that are gonna come and they're gonna advocate, they're gonna do right by them. But if they have somebody that
Stephanie (18:42)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (18:43)
they don't that doesn't have family, they c they fall through the cracks.
Stephanie (18:48)
When your father was going through this, what was his faith like?
Rachelle BoydHuff (18:56)
Man, he he he walked the talk. I can't express it enough. I mean, his faith was amazing. And that's that's one of the things that really helps me to this day is because I got to see it in action. I mean, I've seen it all my life. His faith has always been strong. Even when he's going through some of the most testing times, he's always
stayed on that faith. I mean he's he lived by it. And so even even as he was diagnosed, he still never he wasn't bitter at God. He said he wasn't mad. He just trusted him. He knew he was gonna make it all bad. Okay.
Stephanie (19:35)
Right. and let's talk about your birthday. by the way,
Rachelle BoydHuff (19:39)
Mm.
Stephanie (19:40)
Rochelle and I share the same birthday. But two days before he
Rachelle BoydHuff (19:46)
Woo.
Stephanie (19:46)
passed, your father told you, Happy birthday, Princess, and I love you.
Rachelle BoydHuff (19:51)
Mm-hmm.
Stephanie (19:54)
What did that final birthday message mean to you?
Rachelle BoydHuff (20:00)
man, it meant it meant everything to me. and even eating the cake. My brother had bought us matching birthday cakes. And because my dad's birthday is two weeks after mine. And so
Stephanie (20:11)
Yes.
Rachelle BoydHuff (20:12)
he bought us matching birthday cakes and he had already stopped eating at that point. But I was like, Daddy, this is our last birthday. Will you you know, will you
Can we eat our last cake together? So he I I was able to give him a little crumb. I mean, he he but like I said, he wasn't eating. You know, when they get to that
Stephanie (20:25)
Mm-hmm. Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (20:28)
point, they they their body's shutting down, they stop eating and drinking. but I mean that the moment meant everything to me because I knew that was gonna be the last birthday that I would ever hear his voice.
That would be the last birthday we ever shared together. So it it was it was priceless and I I actually recorded it. I actually have so many videos and recording and so I actually have it recorded and my kids put it on a builder bear for me so I can listen to it when I want to. So it's it's so it's awesome.
Stephanie (21:04)
That's so sweet. I love that. I
Rachelle BoydHuff (21:07)
Yeah.
Stephanie (21:08)
love that. And for your kids to put it on a builder bear, that's really sweet of them too. Aww.
Rachelle BoydHuff (21:13)
Yeah. Yeah.
Stephanie (21:16)
There came a point when you asked God to just take him, let him go. I don't want to watch him suffer. What did it take for you as a daughter to put yourself aside and to pray that prayer for him?
Rachelle BoydHuff (21:36)
it
took a lot. as I as I say, you know, I'm I was such a daddies girl. Like we talk four or five times every day. So the fact of knowing that that that'll that's all gonna be gone. I won't be able to talk to
Stephanie (21:53)
Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (21:53)
him and and see him and hug him, you know, because I always used to hug on him, you know. He you know, it it it was just man. And so
watching him suffer though, it it was take it it was really killing me. And I knew, you know, I'm like, Lord, if I have to watch this for a long time, I'm not gonna be able to be strong. You know, I I I mean, I I'm just being realistic because
Stephanie (22:14)
Right. Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (22:17)
it was it was eating me up watching him suffer like he was suffering. And I I mean he got so bad, I was like, Lord, if you take him on my birthday, I'm good. I'm fine. I I don't it I I mean at that point March is gonna be jacked up for me anyway.
Because he died in March
Stephanie (22:34)
Right. Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (22:36)
and his funeral was on his birthday the twenty second. So I'm like at this point it it it doesn't even matter, but me watching him suffer, so I had to swallow I had to swallow my emotions. I had to
Stephanie (22:50)
Mm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (22:51)
realize that this is about him and whatever
Stephanie (22:55)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (22:55)
it takes for him to be okay, I'ma be okay. I d I I mean I don't have a choice. So
Stephanie (22:59)
Right, right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (23:01)
yeah.
Stephanie (23:02)
Did that feel like surrender, heartbreak, or both of mixed together?
Rachelle BoydHuff (23:08)
I would say that was called grief and faith colliding. It was both. because
Stephanie (23:13)
Yeah, yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (23:15)
in my in my mind I was wanting more time. I didn't want to let go. But
Stephanie (23:20)
Mm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (23:21)
my heart's and the the the the realness of it was I knew as a nurse what he was experiencing, and I knew as a daughter I couldn't watch it any longer. So I just had to.
you know, say, hey, I'ma be okay. You know, and my husband told him I that they had me and my kids called. Everybody told him, We got mom, we got we got her. You know, and even my brother, he said, Hey, you know, I got her, Daddy, you know, and and and so he was able to let go knowing, you know, I was I was right with him. I hey, I'm I'm
Stephanie (23:56)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (23:56)
with you till you hey, I'm gonna walk you from the start to the end. As far as I can go
I I walked him all the way to that funeral car and watched him put him in it. So I'm gonna go as far with you as I can go.
Stephanie (24:10)
And as you were s as you were saying that it kinda hit me that sometimes people have well they a guilt about saying Lord, just take him, just let her go or
Let them move on. Did you feel any guilt about that? Because sometimes I think that we feel guilt for us, not for our loved one.
Rachelle BoydHuff (24:37)
No, for me, I didn't have any guilt.
Stephanie (24:39)
Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (24:40)
because the alternative of that was me watching him suffer, and I had watched him suffer enough.
Stephanie (24:46)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (24:48)
And my dad is like one of always been one of the strongest people I know. Even when he used to get root canals, he wouldn't take the medicine because he didn't like the way it made him feel, and so I he he was a real soldier and
Stephanie (24:56)
Ooh he was a real one.
Rachelle BoydHuff (25:01)
So watching him in that type of pain, i it it it was too much. I mean, it was nothing but God's grace that allowed me to make it through that part without breaking down.
Stephanie (25:15)
Right.
it's
For ourselves that we like people to try to hang on and hold on, but when you think about what their quality of life is and if they're in pain and suffering, then you kinda really want that to kinda end for them so that they can finally rest and and not have to struggle like that. So but I know some people tend to feel guilty, so that's why I ask you that question, just to show let them see. You don't have to feel guilty about
Rachelle BoydHuff (25:37)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Stephanie (25:41)
wanting the pain to stop and wanting them to finally rest.
Rachelle BoydHuff (25:44)
Mm-hmm.
Stephanie (25:45)
Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (25:47)
Yeah.
Stephanie (25:47)
you carried, like you said, from the beginning to the casket, you carried that moment, the season for him. But what happened when they opened the casket at the funeral? What did that do to you
Rachelle BoydHuff (26:04)
I will say this. I tried to stay busy during the funeral when the casket was actually
Stephanie (26:09)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (26:09)
open, so I didn't have to see it. I I mean, and so because we we had the private viewing with the family, so I had no desire to see him again at the funeral. I
Stephanie (26:19)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (26:20)
I really that that was enough for me. and then so I stayed busy. I was moving around, talking to getting up, going to see people that was coming in the hallway.
Stephanie (26:29)
Mm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (26:30)
but at the end, after everything was over, the funeral director she said, it's time for you to come and tucky me in. I seen her open the casket and I'm like, What in the world is going on? And I'm looking at my brother and he looking at me, and I'm like, What in the world is going on with this? And so she said, Is come it, come up here so you can tucky me in. And I was like,
What? What is that? What are you saying?
Stephanie (26:58)
I don't mean to yeah, I don't mean to cut you off, but
what does that mean even? Tuck him in. I have never heard that.
Rachelle BoydHuff (27:04)
Just like the way that what they
w so what they want you to do is just like you swaddle a baby, they want you to swaddle that part over them in the casket.
Stephanie (27:15)
Uh-huh.
Rachelle BoydHuff (27:15)
And so, and then she was like, You s you do you still want his glasses? And I'm sitting there saying, like, my gosh. And so I had to come face to face with the fact that he was in the casket. So literally I'm standing there and I'm looking at him. One good thing for me.
that I feel that God did to help me was it wasn't like he looked he wasn't looking like my father. He looked like his father. So God protected me in that because if I would have seen my daddy's identical face in that casket, I I probably would have been in the casket with him. I'm just being honest. Cause I I couldn't have it would have been too overwhelming for me. Not that I was trying to die 'cause I didn't want to die, but just the fact I could've I I wouldn't have been able to let go. So God did me
Stephanie (28:00)
Your emotions would have got
the best of you at that point.
Rachelle BoydHuff (28:03)
So God did me a favor with that, but I had a breakdown at that moment. I mean, because I hadn't cried. I I hadn't cried none during the whole time because I really couldn't. I mean, I had to be strong for him and I had to make sure that I was able to take care of the things that I needed to take care of. So I didn't have time to be emotional. I had to this is I'm on assignment. I had a this is what I said I was gonna do and this is what I'm gonna do from start to finish. And so
I knew what was coming, the casket is getting closed back and this is the it's finna be final. And so I just laid my head over there on him and I was like, What am I just was just crying and I was like, What am I supposed to do without you, Daddy? I don't know what am I supposed to do. And so it it kind of freaked my youngest son out. So he went and ran to go find my aunt and
He was like, My mom is having a meltdown. She said it she needs to let it go because she's she's been very strong. She she said, You weren't here at the time. She because she was actually there with me the whole time. And and she was like, She's been strong the whole time. So this is what she needs to kind of give her a little closure, you know. And so
Stephanie (29:18)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (29:19)
I it it it it just hit me like I had my I've
I my brother was behind me. I felt my brother behind me and he was just, you know, trying to comfort me and stuff. But I was just like,
Stephanie (29:29)
Right, right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (29:31)
what is going on? You know, so it it was it was a lot. It it truly was a lot. And I s honestly, if I say, you know, I've wrote in my my book, but I still don't I still haven't processed it all the the the things that I had to go through.
Stephanie (29:52)
Mm
Rachelle BoydHuff (29:52)
To get him to the end.
Stephanie (29:56)
'Cause you're trying to be strong and present the brave face for him, so you never had that breakdown of whew, letting it all out and yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (30:07)
Mm mm. Not at all.
Stephanie (30:14)
So as you were starting to think about that and process it, what did it look what did the idea of being without him look like to you at that point when you when you can see the future but you don't see him in it?
Rachelle BoydHuff (30:35)
it was tough. I I mean, I because we talk to each other four or five times every day, like I said. And so the new normal was what am I gonna do with all my time? I mean, you know what I'm saying? All of that time, what what am I gonna do? I mean, and so I had to
Stephanie (30:53)
Did you ever pick up the phone to call him?
Rachelle BoydHuff (30:56)
Yeah, I ha actually I had this phone and I kept it on for a whole year. I n I I paid the bill every
Stephanie (31:00)
Did you
Rachelle BoydHuff (31:02)
every month for a whole year just so I could hear his voice, I could look at his emails, I could, you know. But then it was I I felt that it was really overtaking me because I'm like, man, I'm I'm seeing all these people still emailing you, but you gone. I'm l seeing people that don't know you dead and they calling your phone. I mean, you know, so it it just got to be too much. And I was like
Stephanie (31:29)
Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (31:29)
You know what? I don't I don't wanna keep doing this. I just
Stephanie (31:32)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (31:34)
I gotta start trying to process and heal. And so
Stephanie (31:37)
and he'll
Rachelle BoydHuff (31:40)
yeah.
Stephanie (31:41)
Okay. Well, you knew how to function when you had all the decisions to make and you had someone to care for, but what happened when all that responsibility ended and you were simply just a grieving daughter?
Rachelle BoydHuff (32:04)
I was trying to figure
Stephanie (32:04)
When you re
Rachelle BoydHuff (32:05)
out who I was. I I mean,
Stephanie (32:08)
Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (32:08)
people when you lose something, I mean, and it doesn't even have to be a person, but but when you lose
Stephanie (32:15)
Mm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (32:16)
something, you have to learn how to function in that new normal, but also who are you now? Because even though I I'm always gonna be a daughter because I still have my mom and I love her.
But that daddy's girl portion of me is gone. I mean, I'm always I will always be a daddy's girl, but I can't operate in the same way because he's not here. So learning who I am has really been a challenge. So I am just now
Two years, a little of two years in, two years and some months, and I'm I'm finally kind of feeling a little like me. I know I will never go back to the me I was before because now I am different because the life before had my father in it, and now it doesn't.
But I'm finally getting to a place where I'm feeling like, okay, I can I can I can do this, I can do this, I can do this without feeling like my whole world has fell apart and I can't function.
Stephanie (33:43)
Right. So it's it wasn't something that happened quickly. This is something you have to take time to work through and build on.
Rachelle BoydHuff (33:54)
Yeah.
people wanna rush it and people wanna rush you. I just wanted to say that people that are in this phase right now that are grieving, whether they're new or whether it's been going on for a while, they need to understand that it's okay. Grief has no timeline and that if you're sad or you
People can don't don't let anybody rush you and tell you where you should be. Just know that it takes time and that sometimes it takes extra help. Be okay if you need to see a therapist and be okay if you need to take medicine. There's nothing wrong with that. Because that is how I had to function. And I still and I I don't I I tell people when I'm like, you tell people you take medicine. I do. Because in order for me to be the best version that I can be right now.
It requires me to take medicine and it requires me to have therapy. If I don't have that, hey, I'm I ain't no telling what you might get. I'm just saying I'm being honest. So
Stephanie (34:52)
Right. Right.
Right. Right. And I love that that you're being honest. And that was the point I wanted to h try to nail home, but you said it perfectly. So thank you for bringing that bringing
Rachelle BoydHuff (35:04)
Mm-hmm.
Stephanie (35:05)
that comment out. your husband's father had cancer.
Rachelle BoydHuff (35:10)
he
passed November of twenty three and my dad came and actually spoke at his funeral and then four months later my dad died.
Stephanie (35:17)
Mm.
What has receiving help looked like for you? I know you just talked a little bit about counseling and medications. how has that helped you cope?
Rachelle BoydHuff (35:30)
it's it's definitely helped me cope. But also what helped me cope is I did writing. I I you know I did some writing some books. I went to Grief Share. I've actually I've been in Grief Share a couple of times now, help co facilitate grief share.
Stephanie (35:48)
what
is grief share? Can you explain that? 'Cause and for those who might not know.
Rachelle BoydHuff (35:51)
Grief Share
Grief Share is an organization that help people, whether you've lost a child, you've lost a spouse, a sibling, whatever. It's like a counseling. You can it's a twelve week class. You can either do it in person or online and usually it's housed at a church. If you you know, the churches are the ones that actually put it on.
Stephanie (36:14)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (36:15)
And it's just something that they can go and it equips you and it helps you to understand like for me one of my biggest challenges during that process was the people that I've always had supported in different things. They weren't the people that were there. And so I had to understand that even though cause I was angry at first, I really was angry. I'm like, man, I always show up for you and you, where was you at? But I didn't have to worry when I went to grief share, I understood God.
s sent me my own support tribe. So even though it wasn't what I was thinking it was gonna be, he made sure I had support. And he put me at a church that that was they they embraced me so much that I was like, man, I'm just coming for a class. This this need to be this where I need to be, you know, and it wasn't any anything. But in the season that I was in, I was devastated. I I I mean I
Stephanie (37:13)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (37:14)
And and to have people that didn't even know me, love on me, nurture me, and they I mean it was it was phenomenal. I mean, I I can't even say nothing but so using resources like grief share, doing my writing, t going to therapy, taking having having I I have a psych a psychiatrist. I mean, well psych she's a psychotherapist, whatever. How are you? And that's who
Stephanie (37:40)
Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (37:41)
prescribes my medicine.
And so understanding that and then I went on leave. I had I hadn't w when I tell you like I I hadn't after my dad passed, I stayed in Indiana for like three months. I was in the I was there for three months, taking care of his business, making, you know, making sure everything was good. and when I came back I was like I I didn't I I mean I went straight back into work. I was doing stuff and I
and I finally had a whole like I had
I deal with migraines and so I had a whole migraine crisis. I end up having to go get my infusion. Usually I have to get it once a year, but this this year has been the first year I haven't had to do it and and so but I understand that sh th these types of things trigger other things.
And so I
Stephanie (38:35)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (38:36)
ha I have to make sure that whatever I need, if it means that and so I went on leave. I was on leave for three months. From I mean, like not just I mean, I was on physical leave where I was able to, okay, let me figure out what what what what I need to do because I'm I'm not okay. And me trying to help other people and I'm not okay, I was having all kind of vertigo, migraines, all everything was going on, and I I was just trying to s function.
And I'm like, I can't go see patients or see members or nobody else if I'm sick. And and I'm sick. And and I knew grief was one of the triggers. So I had to take care of me. I had to step back and say, hey, I I'm sorry. I can't do nothing else. This is this is
Stephanie (39:20)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (39:20)
my time right now. And that's what I did.
Stephanie (39:23)
Right. We talk about that, talked about that in the last season, about sometimes the next step that God wants you to take is rest.
needs rest. And the certainly
Rachelle BoydHuff (39:34)
Yep. Yep.
Stephanie (39:37)
the body, the mind, and the heart all together, which is what you were experiencing, definitely needed
Rachelle BoydHuff (39:42)
Mm.
Stephanie (39:42)
rest. So I'm glad that you were aware enough of yourself to know that you needed it and you took it
before it took you, you know. Yeah. Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (39:50)
Yep. yeah. I was on the verge. Seriously. I I I
felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. I I really did. I I knew, I mean, cause th not just the the mental side, but physically, my body was starting all kind of issues. And I was like, no. Yeah.
Stephanie (40:09)
Yeah. What would you say to Christians who believe that your faith should be strong enough to make grieving easier for you or shorter for you?
Rachelle BoydHuff (40:21)
Would say that there is nothing anywhere that says that. And and grief is for grief is different for everybody. And there
Stephanie (40:30)
Yes.
Rachelle BoydHuff (40:32)
is no such thing as a timeline. There's no such thing as, my faith is strong enough to there is nothing. I don't care if you have a relationship with somebody and you lose it, lose them. I don't care what kind of faith you got. It it it's it hurts.
Stephanie (40:51)
That's right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (40:51)
And g God
knows, I mean, Jesus was grieved in in in times in the Bible. I mean, so how how how do I look what do I look like telling somebody, yeah, you you gotta put a timetable on that? That's not true. How you you can't
Stephanie (41:03)
Mm-hmm. You you ain't over that yet?
Rachelle BoydHuff (41:07)
you know, I and I've had people tell me that. I've even had somebody tell me that they said, Well, you've been in hospice all these years. You mean to tell me you wasn't ready for that? And I was like, Your mom and daddy are both still living, number one.
Number two, there is nothing in the world that prepares you. I don't care. I'm now now we'll take this back. I knew what was coming. So it got
Stephanie (41:29)
Mm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (41:30)
mentally I I knew step by step where we were. But as far as the preparation,
there's nothing that you can do to prepare to lose somebody that you love. It's hard for me with my patients because I I I build a good relationship with But you talking about my daddy? No. No. I can't even I can't even imagine it. I don't
Thinking about your parent, any either one of thinking about your siblings, your children, your spouse, you you can't prepare for that. And faith has nothing to do with that. I mean, faith helps you to navigate in that space.
Stephanie (42:06)
Mm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (42:07)
But faith is not there's not no such thing saying, faith, your faith should be strong. No, no, no.
That's not true.
Stephanie (42:15)
Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (42:15)
I I'll tell you that that's not true because I was mad at God and I was fussing and it meant everything. That didn't mean I didn't
Stephanie (42:21)
Right, right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (42:22)
believe in him. That didn't mean I didn't trust him. That just meant at that moment I was mad and I was.
Stephanie (42:27)
Right, right. I love your when you said
when we talked earlier you said grief and faith can coexist.
Rachelle BoydHuff (42:38)
Mm-hmm.
Stephanie (42:39)
So I don't know why people think because you're a Christian you can't grieve or you you
Rachelle BoydHuff (42:44)
Mm-hmm.
Stephanie (42:44)
should be able to grieve by the funerals over and you should move on with life. But that's that's not how it worked. The heart still mourns and you still have a loss
Rachelle BoydHuff (42:51)
No first
Stephanie (42:53)
that you need to deal with and process.
Rachelle BoydHuff (42:56)
Mm-hmm.
And
it I I was just gonna say, and all grief does not come from death. Some grief comes from losing yourself. Some
Stephanie (43:02)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (43:03)
grief comes from losing a job. Some losing a relationship. People associate death is the only way you grieve, but it's not, and it doesn't make it any less painful because when you grieve in a relationship, the loss of a relationship, friendship, that that pain is
I can't say that pain is any less than the pain I feel. I d I don't discount
Stephanie (43:24)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (43:25)
people's brief. Hey.
Stephanie (43:27)
Right, and thank you for saying that because that's very true.
Rachelle BoydHuff (43:29)
Mm-hmm.
Stephanie (43:31)
And none of those you can you can tell somebody how to feel or how to grieve, right? what does faith
Rachelle BoydHuff (43:35)
Mm mm. No, not at all.
Stephanie (43:39)
look like for you on a day when you are missing your father?
Rachelle BoydHuff (43:48)
I would say faith looks like for me just getting out of bed on one of those days, putting one foot forward. because there are moments when in the beginning I couldn't get out of bed. So faith for me is taking that step and saying, okay, I can do this today. I can get a little further. And that's what faith looks like.
I mean, each day it it may be a different a different level of faith it requires from me. faith is
Stephanie (44:22)
Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (44:23)
looking in the mirror and in the in myself in the mirror say, You're gonna be all right. God got you. I mean, so it just depends on what level of faith I need at that moment, but that's faith in that moment if I'm missing him real bad.
Or he'll allow somebody to give me a memory. He'll bring something to my
Stephanie (44:40)
Mm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (44:41)
head or something to give me to say, Okay, daddy, I know you I know you still here. I know you hear or you know, something when I'm thinking like, Man, I need to talk to my daddy, I need to know what to do. And it it's almost like immediately
Stephanie (44:52)
Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (44:54)
he'll send that something that daddy said to me, and I'm like, man, you show right that now I know you you still looking out for me, you know, and I or something like that.
Stephanie (45:04)
Right,
right. So as I listen to you, I hear that God carried you while your father was going through his final days and then he stayed with you as you learned how to
go through life without him. Would you add to that or say anything different than that?
Rachelle BoydHuff (45:33)
I would say that yes he he was with me in the beginning. Yes, he carried me to the end. But I would add that he's still carrying me because I have days where I can't really find like my new normal now is I used to have a very good memory. Now my brain is I can tell God has protected my brain and
Because a lot of stuff like I I I'll forget. I I can't remember. It's certain things that I'll be wanting to remember. And it's like he won't bring it to my recollection or situations that should really take me out. I feel like he's walking with me and basically have me carry he's carrying me.
You know, and 'cause every
Stephanie (46:23)
Right.
Rachelle BoydHuff (46:24)
day's not a good day for me. Some days I just sit back and I'm like, Man, this is
Stephanie (46:28)
Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (46:28)
not fair. Why did you do that? Why did he have to go? Like, but you know, I trust God. I know that all of us have a time and when it's that time and it don't matter how many people crying and praying, and you still gonna go.
Stephanie (46:44)
And we have to remember that some days you might be walking confidently, other days you might be crawling, other days you might sit
Rachelle BoydHuff (46:54)
Mm-hmm.
Stephanie (46:55)
on the curve, drinking a cup of water, whatever it is, but you're still walking with God.
Rachelle BoydHuff (47:00)
You see a walker.
Stephanie (47:02)
Every day can't be perfect, right? But he's there
Rachelle BoydHuff (47:06)
Nope.
Stephanie (47:07)
with us. We have to just remember he's there, he's right there with us.
Rachelle BoydHuff (47:11)
He's right
there with us. Always.
Stephanie (47:15)
let's talk about your book and your future plans to get out there with a podcast.
Rachelle BoydHuff (47:25)
So I'm gonna make you laugh. It started already, August the first.
Stephanie (47:28)
Yay!
Rachelle BoydHuff (47:30)
It started already. I there they've it's only been audio so far. I've done two episodes. It's been audio.
Stephanie (47:35)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (47:39)
but
Stephanie (47:39)
And tell us the name.
Rachelle BoydHuff (47:41)
from the eyes of a daddy's girl podcast.
Stephanie (47:44)
There we go.
Rachelle BoydHuff (47:46)
so that and then
I've written some books from the eyes of a daddy's girl. I have an 30-day interactive journal. and then I have when grief and faith collide, and which actually tells the story about my husband, my dad, my father-in-law having to walk through that season with them and still have to deal with the triggers of being in the hospital with him and and being triggered by
the memories of being at the hospital with my dad. and then I have The Missing Piece, which is a journal for the kids that are grieving. and then the From the Eyes of a Daddy's Girl journal and the From the Eyes of a Daddy's Girl podcast all came about.
Behind losing my dad, and God had given me an assignment even while I was walking through the space with my father that I was gonna be ministering to other people. And actually, I had believe this or not, when I'm trying to grieve my dad, God had me checking on 13 people every day, every single day, and I was
Stephanie (48:51)
Ha ha ha
Rachelle BoydHuff (48:52)
so irritated and so annoyed because I was like
I just want to grieve my dad, but he would not allow me to be in that space. I literally was ministering to people every single day. And so that was something. And so I was like, Lord, if you're not gonna remove this from me, at least give me a place to be able to help the daughters that are grieving in this space, whether they're grieving from the loss of their dad, the lack of a relationship with their father.
Or whatever whatever that looks like. and that's what he did. anybody can listen and work through the book because the grief
Stephanie (49:26)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (49:27)
part is all gonna be universal, but it's
centered around the father and the daughter.
Stephanie (49:32)
Mm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (49:33)
but
My heart and my desire is to be able to walk the daughters whether they're going through the caregiver season or they are in the grief season to be able to encourage them and let them know they can get from point A to point B and not feel like they have to be alone and be that person that I needed when I was going through that I didn't have.
Stephanie (49:59)
Right. That's awesome, awesome. we will of course add links to the website so that you can go and find Rachelle's book and purchase it and use it when you if you have to. All
Rachelle BoydHuff (50:15)
And mm hmm.
Stephanie (50:16)
right.
Now, in for our final word, for anyone who's listening to the podcast episode today, or whenever they listen to it, and they may be going through grief loss of some kind, whether it's fathers, mothers, jobs, spouses.
but especially fathers because that's where your story is, what would you hope that they would take from this episode so that they can walk away with a glimmer of hope?
Rachelle BoydHuff (50:58)
I would say first that it's okay to not be okay. There is no timeline on grief. Don't allow anybody to rush you, pressure you, tell you what you should do with your grief, because everybody deals with grief differently. So you don't have to feel bad if you're still sad. I would also say that if you are struggling.
And I mean not what a nor what normal grief is, but when it's continue, you continually and you feel like you can't get out of bed, you can't eat, you can't do anything, get help. Seek outside support. go to counseling if you need to go to counseling, go to therapy. you can even look me up. I do grief coaching. You
And also you have to have a relationship with God. I mean, I've served God, but I understand everybody does not believe in God. So whatever that looks like for you, even if it's meditation, whatever, whatever you have to tap into for you, you have to do that. Implement self-care for you. And that
That doesn't always mean you have to go and get massages and all of that. Sometimes you can't get outside of the house. So you may have to go in your backyard and sit on the porch and listen to some music. Or that means you may can go for a walk or take a go lock yourself in your bathroom and put candles and all of that around and make it your little safe haven. You have to be creative. Tell people no, I can't do that today.
Because if you don't take care of you, guess what? You can't take care of anybody else. And I get and then lastly, I think I would say is you have to know yourself enough and love yourself enough to know when you are not okay. And do something about it. Don't don't get stuck.
Stephanie (53:04)
Mm-hmm.
Rachelle BoydHuff (53:05)
And I think I do have one. And know that God will send you your own support tribe. Don't worry about who don't show up, because he's
Stephanie (53:09)
Yeah.
Rachelle BoydHuff (53:10)
going to send you somebody that will show up for you.
Stephanie (53:14)
Right, awesome. Well thank you, Rachelle, so much for joining us today. And we will check out all of your books and your sites
Rachelle BoydHuff (53:23)
Thank you.
Stephanie (53:24)
and we want to say have a good day and thank you so much.
Rachelle BoydHuff (53:28)
Thank you
for having me. I appreciate you.
Stephanie (53:32)
Rochelle, thank you for trusting us with your daddy's story and with the honest reality of learning how to live after such profound loss. If grief is still present in your life, I hope you carry this truth with you. Grief and faith can coexist. Your heartbreak isn't proof that God has left you.
And it doesn't mean your faith has failed.
My friend, until next time, keep looking for God's glory even in the middle of your grit.
Bye now.
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